PixyMom

I tend to eat when I’m down. I tend to stop doing all my usual stuff when I’m down. A few months ago my GRandma passed away, it took a bit to get back to “normal” when I say normal I mean getting myself to live life, however I think about her everyday. Last week… my Uncle passed away and yes he was from the same side of my the family. My Mom is going through a lot now… lost her Mom and brother. I have a big family, lots of Uncles but a lot of them live far away. He lived only a bit away and came by a lot to visit. It’s hard to get passed the fact that he won’t be dropping by anymore. He had cancer, it was somewhat expected and actually we all know my Grandma wasn’t trying to fight dying just because she wanted to go before him. I couldn’t even go to his funeral. We have no money for a hotel (its 3 hours away) it’s a 3 day event and the baby freaks out when we stay away. Which I’d deal with except what with no money we’d stay at an aunts house and keep everyone up. My Mom is there right now, today is day two, the Church Service, yesterday was the viewing and tomorrow the burial.

My hubby and I got into a huge fight the day before my Mom left (the day my Uncle died) which was great you know, I was a tad emotional and the hubbs isn’t quite sensitive. He’s being better now. I did sneak a calzone in there, but in the middle of talking things out with the hubbs I puked it up. I think my body was used to no carbs… add the fact that I was crazy upset and out it goes. I didn’t gain weight from it. I went right back to the diet after that. One of the many reasons we fought was because we had no money in our account, I asked my husband not to use his card and he said ok then proceeded to buy two packs of cigarettes in two days. We overdrafted and being that we hardly have enough to get by the money taken out of our weekly check was a big deal. Once again I can’t join the gym this week due to lack of funds, I hope my husband enjoys his $100 cigarettes. He’s like a child.

I got a puppy when I was a lot younger. I took care of her well but she didn’t leanr how to go to the potty outside. My Dad thinks Dogs should only live outside and through her in the backyard only a few months after I got her. Years later she was dirty and covered in fleas. She was sweet to us but tried to bite someone every now and then. I was always mad at my father for making her like that. She became wild and lived a horrible lonely life. Today she got out, the only person who she listens to is my Dad whos up with my Mom. We tried to get her inside and she chomped at my husband. She began growling at passers by and finally my Father told me to call animal services. They took her away and all I can think about is how scared she must be… or have been. I don’t know how fast they will put her to sleep. I had to cover my ears so I couldn’t hear her barking at the animal control guy. At least she won’t suffer anymore… but I hate the way she went, I hate to think about how scary it must be.

On a lighter note my sister-in-law had a baby girl (on the same day my uncle died). I think I’ve heard “One life lost another gained” like 50 times since. But she is beautiful, and tiny. I immediately got that maternal I want another baby feeling. But in reality it wouldn’t be good… we are so so so poor right now. Someday though, I definatly want more kids. I grew up in a big family, I want my son too also. Anyway I don’t wanna be on here too long so I can’t update my food journal, but I wanted to update a bit. If you made it through this gynormous blog… thanks lol.

I have 13 nieces and nefews, that’s right… 13!!! Not all of them live near me, but the ones that do I’m pretty close to. Two of them came over today, early. They begged for McDonalds breakfast. I LOVE McDonalds breakfast. LOVE it. Whenever I used to wake up early as a teen (it was rare) the only good thing I thought about it was “Yay, I’m in time for McDonalds breakfast!” I didn’t order a thing… in fact my niece put a hashbrown up to me and said, “do you want this, I don’t” and I shook my head and walked away… fast. They are finished eating, I’ve escaped.

I was ok though, you know why? because I weighed myself first thing this morning and I lost 1 more lb!!! 5lbs in 5 days… not too shabby. No Mcbreakfast for me, I’d rather keep waking up with a pleasant suprise like today.

Food Log

Since Sunday night I have been having nightmares (not waking up screaming ones but you know, unpleasant) that I forgot that I was on a diet and just ate something without thinking. Then in the dream, my diet was ruined and my weight went up. Just goes to show you how obsessed I am with this. Anywho, the day was going great, I woke up and as you may have read lost 4lbs. I was pumped up, the food even tasted better because I ate it knowing how much good it was doing. Then, helping my Mom lost her car keys and handed me her purse to look through. I looked around, no keys, but I spotted a box of tic tacs (white, my favorite) without thinking I shoved 3 in my mouth and then continued looking. After all was done I saw the box again and was about to reach out for more when I remembered… NO SUGAR! I was only to have SUGAR FREE stuff, even gum had to be sugar free and I had just had 3 darn tic tacs! So most people would think, darn, oh well it was just 3 tic tacs, they are small no biggie, move on. Nope, not me… it’s getting on my nerves. I feel like it threw me all off. I’m not sure how the mechanics of this diet (South Beach) works but I wonder if that made a difference. I’ve said in another blog that little mistakes tend to get to me, and this one really erks me.

Anyway I made an awsome dinner (with no mistakes). This diet isn’t too bad. Yeah I miss a lot of stuff, I keep reminding myself that I want to loose the weight more than I want that food. Once I eat I feel full and while I’m eating I enjoy it. I’d recommend this diet… well I guess it’d be better if I waited a few more pounds before I go out and spread the word hehe. I also get to have dessert, which tonight will be 1 cup 1%Milk with some sugar free chocolate syrup. Yum, I’ll save it until the baby is asleep and I’m in my pjs comfy watching something recorded on my DVR.

The DVR thing brings me back to another topic way off the subject of weightloss. I wish my husband was more loving. I mean he will watch TV with my but he sits up against one side of the couch without touching me or looking my way. If I reach out to put my legs on him or something, well he doesn’t always push em off but it’s like they aren’t even there. He doesn’t move an inch towards me or put his hand on them or anything. When we started dating he was really cuddley, I wonder if it’s the change in my body. I was a decent size back then, then I had the baby and all. I wonder if it’s that or if he just thinks he doesn’t have to do that stuff anymore cause we are married. He says he just wants to relax, but I don’t know whats so unrelaxing about laying with your wife. I don’t even want him to face me, he can watch TV, why is it not relaxing to get all comfy with me and wrap his arm around me while watching the Heat game? I wonder what that’s about. Anyway, sorry for the rant that was so unrelated to loosing weight lol.

Food Log

…that’s right… 4lbs! I am so happy with myself! Where is this South Beach guy, I want to send him a card! Eating some of this stuff I was a bit worried I wasn’t doing it right, then I weighed myself this morning and there it was… 166, from 170! I weighed myself Monday morning! YAY

Today was my first day on southbeach. I think I did everything right except I bought 2% milk and drank a cup of it before I realized I’m only allowed 1% or fat free. I’m sure the mix up won’t hurt me so much, I went and bought 1% but I am the kinda person that something like that will stick in my mind for a while like… ALMOST perfect. I started wishing I’d gotten a triple grande mocha latte from starbucks before I went on the diet. I dunno when I’ll be able to haveone now. But it’s ok, I have to remember that as much as I want the latte, I want to loose the weight more. I also took the baby for a walk in the park. I think I’m on the right track. I’m just gonna take this one day at a time.

Also, when I enter my meals in the food journal here it still looks like I’m eating a lot of fat and some carbs… I guess you have to eat some fat and carbs, I hope I’m doing this right.

Food Log

Exercise Log

Yesterday I finally recieved my foodstamps. The hubs and I went grocery shopping and I got all the stuff I need for the southbeach diet. I made up a menu for the first week so I can keep track of what I eat and make sure I eat the right amount. We made fish yesterday… I hate fish, however it was Good Friday and my husband doesn’t eat shrimp so I got the fish. I enjoyed a baked potato too, mainly because as of Monday I can say goodbye to my potatoes. Being it was good friday by midnight I could finally drink coke. I LOVE Coke, specifically fountain cocacola. Southbeach diet doesn’t allow sugar and so no more Cocacola for me (I don’t care what people say, diet sugar free coke isn’t even close to the same). I’m trying to enjoy the next two days drinking it. It’s like a boyfriend who’s moving away in a few days, you wanna be with him as much as you can before he leaves, even if it hurts. I went 40 days without it so I know I can do it, when I was pregnant I went even longer. At about 6 months they heard a heart arythmia. After lots of testing they said it’d be ok but I couldn’t have ANY caffine, not even coco butter on my tummy. I not only LOVE coke but I LOVE coffee, yet I didn’t have not one drop of caffine until he was born (after I gave birth everyone brought me either chocolate, coffee or soda haha). I have the will power when it comes to some things. If it’s for my son, or for God I seem to be able to do it, so why not for me? I am GOING to have will power this time, I am GOING to loose this weight.

Next week I’m joing Lady of America, it’s smaller than some gyms but cheaper, has a daycare and is only women so I don’t feel weird. I tend to feel akward working out around guys. Does anyone who lives in south Florida go to Lady of America? It’d be nice to have a workout buddy. Well if not I always have my trusty ipod. It’ll be nice to escape the crying, cleaning and any of that other fun housewife stuff for an hour or so, I can just escape into my music and allow the endorphins to recharge me for the day, I always seem to be more energetic after working out. Wish me luck everyone, I’ll keep you posted.

Junk food is cheap and easy and good… I could go spend the little amount I have on a bunch of ground meat, hamburger helpers, buns blah blah all the cheap stuff you can buy a lot of for cheap. I don’t think I’m going to loose anything eating hamburger helper every other day. I wanna do the Southbeach Supercharged diet, problem is for it to really work I have to actually have the food I’m supposed to eat. I get foodstamps, not ashamed to say it. It was the time of year we need to reapply, and I did on time. The fax machine must’ve cut it off or something because the freakin lady over there only got half the fax. She recieved the information she needed but half the page was cut off do you think she thought to herself “hmmm maybe they were sending it and something went wrong, let me call or email them to ask them to resend it.” nope, she clicked denied and moved on. I however can’t afford hardly anything for myself to eat and we are spending any money we would have on our baby’s food (my baby will NEVER go without food) Now I’ve been going through this whole thing with her for her to reopen the case before the 60 day period blah blah blah, I haven’t gotten the stamps yet. No stamps, no food and so I eat what I find, bread and cheese makes grilled cheese. $5 for both my husband and I to spend on our dinner, what can we buy for $5 that will fill us up? Dollar menu it is… I wanted to start the southbeach diet on Monday. This lady said she’d go over the case again today, please pray for me that it does. I can get my hubs some food, I’ve been clipping coupons a lot, and me what I need and my angel will have whatever he needs too. Anyway I’m trying to enjoy the next few days, cause southbeach doesn’t allow sugar and I want a Coke this weekened! 40 days with no soda, I can’t wait at least for a day of being able to. My husband loves the junk food, I’m going to have to ignore what he eats and just focus on my goal because he flat out says he will not diet with me. He gained weight with me but just going to work everyday seems to have him loosing weight fast, no fair. Anywho my Mom is in on this with me o maybe together we can do it. I can’t keep eating like I did today.

I was born a month early, I’d say that is a perfect example of who I am today. I jump into things head first before I get a chance to think about it. My husband and I celebrated our one year (I mean one year togther not One year married) Anniversary a few months AFTER our son was born and a few Months AFTER our wedding. That’s how I’ve always been. I think that’s why I get fed up and give up so fast whe I’m trying to loose weight. If I don’t get results in an instant, I get frustrated. I’m not patient at all, and I’ve done crazy things in the past to loose weight, Pills, stopped eating blah blah blah all that dumb stuff. I’m a mommy now and I can’t take risks like that but I also need to be healthier and I need to feel confident. Before I started dating my husband I had finally started to look about the size I wanted, mainly because to get your degree you need to pass a fitness class and so I had NO CHOICE but to take Aerobics class. I realize now that I need something to PUSH me into loosing weight. I’m thinking of joining a gym with a contract so I HAVE to go because if not I’ll have to pay anyway and I’ll be throwing away money for nothing. Anywho I am so crazy about my weight, my Dad is obsessed and spent my life telling me how fat I was and how I needed to stop eating. I was a size 0 in middle school, too skinny I think. Anyway I start just fine but I tend to give up, not just the eating right but working out and even all the little stuff I do to keep me motivated, like I get into writing journals and such and then one day I’m done. I need someone to push me, maybe if someone on here chats with me it’ll give me a reason to sign on, you know just to see what they said next. I dunno, I hope I actually do it this time. I gave up soda for lent so this weekend I’m going coke crazy… (I LOVE FOUNTAIN COKE) then Mon  start the South Beach Supercharged Diet. I hear the first few weeks you loose a lot of belly fat, maybe that’ll give me a boost ya know? I hope so…